The Overhelper Trap! When helping turns into control
Sometimes the most well-intended leaders care so much that helping quietly turns into controlling.
Overhelpers often have big hearts. They want others to succeed, avoid mistakes, and feel supported. But when help becomes attached to outcomes, it can shift from supportive to suffocating, very fast.
Here’s how it sneaks in:
Advice is given before it’s asked for
Frustration shows up when someone doesn’t follow the suggestion
Conversations turn into “do this, then do that” instead of space to think
The result?
People stop sharing. Not because they don’t trust you, but because they don’t want to be told what to do when they’re simply trying to process.
At work. At home. Everywhere.
People don’t need more fixing.
They need presence, permission, and partnership.
🔍 Three Quick Awareness Shifts for the Overhelper
1️⃣ Notice Your Attachment to the Outcome
Ask yourself:
“Am I helping to support them… or to feel relieved myself?”
If you feel irritated when your advice isn’t followed, that’s your cue.
Detachment is not disengagement. It’s respect.
Guide shift: Offer perspective, then let go of control.
2️⃣ Pause Before You Provide
Before advising, try this simple check:
“Do you want my thoughts or do you just want me to listen?”
This one question can transform trust instantly.
Guide shift: Listening first creates safety. Advice can come later, if invited.
3️⃣ Replace Telling With Curiosity
Instead of:
“You should…”
“What I would do is…”
“You need to do…”
Try:
“What are you thinking of trying?”
“What feels most aligned for you right now?”
Guide shift: Curiosity empowers ownership. Ownership fuels confidence.
🌱 Guide Reminder
Helping without control builds trust.
Helping with control builds distance.
The goal isn’t to help more.
It’s to help better.
✨ Try this
This week, notice where you might be overhelping.
Pause. Breathe. Get curious.
And try guiding instead of fixing, just once.
Then watch what opens up.
Lead like the guide you wish you had.